My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.