Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try