No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.