My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.