I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.