Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?