fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.