Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)