It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him