Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?