My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My life coach traded me.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?