Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.