Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?