Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.