Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.