Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
