My bad habits got renewed for another season.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice