My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
The median voter
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.