Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.