A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it