Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.