I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.