As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨