I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.