went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog