me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%