Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent