If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My life coach traded me.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday