Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?