The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
my astrological sign is a french fry
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Weirdos gonna weird.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!