I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand