If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.