I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
my astrological sign is a french fry
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Weirdos gonna weird.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
