you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not