Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
