if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
When you have to use a public restroom.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
🍂🕷️🍂
