Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.