I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion