On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?