What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.