Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.