tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”