*limbos under the caution tape
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying