Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.