every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.