friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.