It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.