I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.
doctor: “we can’t bring your husband out of a coma. It’s already been 2 weeks.”
Me: “hang on I have an idea” [buys a truck without towing package]
Husband: [both eyes pop open]
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:
1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.
2 – Says hello to the cat.
3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
I hate when someone gets on the treadmill right next to me at the gym because I’m worried they may ask me to share my Doritos.
To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
People be like “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” me personally I would wish some crazy shit on a minor rival
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat
If you start a sentence off with…
“At my last job…”
We all wish you still worked there
Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.