The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
if you relate to me, get some help
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
is losing your mind a hobby?
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message