Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
“Worm Regards”
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”